A Night At The Wessonian

Description

Amazingly enough, you find yourself in a dark room void of pretty much everything except a case containing a staggering number of leather-bound books and what appears to be a control console.

A placard on the wall reads, "Wessonian Institute Scanning Project - The Encyclopedia Paradoxica - Status: In Progress"

You make your way to the console. You flip the switch labeled "ON" and a projector comes to life, illuminating a section of the wall in a white square. The only other control on the console is a button labelled "Random Page". You press the button and the following words appear on the wall:

One of the following stories will randomly appear:

---

In a year that had seen dramatic changes to the level of technology in Paradox City, the continued "proof" of the existence of Father Yule seemed to fly in the face of science.

According to professor William H. Kanundrum, Dean of Questionable Sciences at Paradox University, "It is not unusual for people to wish to believe in the impossible. One man, flying around on a donkey and delivering toys to all the good little boys and girls? Not bloody likely. Parents should consider the damage they are doing to the psyches of their children by fostering these beliefs."

---

When asked about the millions of reports of anonymous gifts found beneath Yule Trees again this year, Kanundrum merely stated, "Heresay. I've only ever gotten Groklinite."

Despite his arguments, and the unfortunate noxious gas poisoning incident at the now-infamous Muletide Greetings Holiday Shop, people continued to fill department stores to the brim, trying to force their way into the outrageously long lines to have their children's pictures taken with the Father Yules which seemed to almost outnumber the customers.

---

So it was that, two years after he first began, St. Racine was in prison for 26 counts of alleged manslaughter and destruction of public property despite his claims that he had given the Groklinite as gifts to the children, who then burned down the orphanage in a fit of rage.

His troupe of helpers again gathered around the monument to collect all of the items that had been left by the mourners. As they were going around distributing the items to orphans they heard laughter coming from above them. They looked up to spot a large man wearing the traditional fuzzy red garb of an Agassian monk, followed by a flying donkey with a large sack on its back.

All of a sudden, the sack slipped off the donkeys back and fell on one of the men, crushing him to death instantly.

---

The large man floated down from the sky to investigate, his head bobbing back and forth to the tune of some music that apparently only he could hear.

"Chingedy-ching!" he exclaimed upon seeing the devastation his sack had caused.

Everyone backed away as he approached the body, expecting to see something miraculous. Instead, the man just turned around to face them and said, "Well hey, at least he went quickly, right? Hey, does anyone here have a cookie? I've been flying all night, and boy are my arms killing me. A cookie would sure hit the spot right about now."

---

"Who... are you?" asked one of the group-members.

"The name's Father Dominic, and I'm going around all of Paradox delivering gifts to all the children," he replied.

"But you killed Larry," another member stated, as indignantly as one in their current situation could, "And you broke Kenny's arm, you bastard!"

"Oh yeah, sorry about that. Hazards of the industry and all that, you know. Care for a slinky? It's like a spring that you can push down stairs and other fun stuff like that." This got no response from the group. "Oh yeah, your friend. Look, I said I'm sorry. What do you expect me to do? Raise him from the dead?"

They all stared at him dumbfoundedly, as one would expect from someone who has just witnessed a third-degree homicide.

"Damn it people," he huffed. "I'm a toy-deliverer, not a doctor."

And with that, he picked up his sack, slung it over his donkeys back again, and flew away, shouting "Chingedy-ching!" as he disappeared into the evening sky.

---

miracle that, of those participating in the initial trials earlier in the year, most men were still alive and all the women had survived.

The first mid-year deployment of the drug by DT Pharmaceuticals was met by less than enthusiastic acceptance from the public. By Yuletime, however, sales of the pill were brisk and the nation was experiencing a massive decline in crime and an amazing new openness in the halls of government. Total uniformity and honesty had become the watchword in Paradox.

Father Yule continued to refuse to make his annual visit due to the ongoing legal action centering on over four million counts of breaking and entering.

As the end of the year approached, fears of evolutionary loss of our eyes and teeth seemed to have been unfounded.

---

In the year 1 AD, in the aftermath of the events which transpired one year earlier, the people gathered around the monument in the middle of Paradox City to mourn the Great Disappearance.

Many of them brought items, including prepared foods, to the base of the monument to pay homage.

Since the people had long since forgotten what the monument was, many schools of thought sprang up, postulating their various opinions of what it had been. The members of these factions carved out symbols onto small stones depicting their belief, which they then also laid at the base of the monument.

A high-standing member of one of these factions, an Agassian saint named

---

Richard J. Maenott is elected in a landslide vote as Mayor of Paradox City for his fifth term of office. Amidst rumours of vote tampering and strong-arm politics, Mayor Maenott had this to say: "The people of Paradox City have made their voices heard. Through our historically-accepted electoral process, they have made themselves heard loudly. This administration will do everything in its power to keep the status quo while empowering those with lesser means of support an easier access to the governmental care programs we mean to put in place."

A recent poll conducted by an independent consultant shows that Mayor Maenott is standing at approximately a 51 percent margin of approval. The poll result is subject to the standard two percent margin of error.

---

On the 3rd of Spoon, 1824, Harold Jarvin, aka "The Polite Kidnapper", was found not guilty of 37 counts of kidnapping.

On the 4th of Spoon, his "victims" were found guilty of 1st degree stupidity, and were each sentenced to 6 months of community service. At the time of the ruling, the judge was noted as saying, "When a man asks if you would be so kind as to stay in his basement for an indeterminate amount of time, regardless of how polite he is about it, you should probably say no."

They were denied the right to appeal, despite an outcry from the Paradoxian Civil Liberties Union which declared that all men and women should have the right to decide for him or herself what is and is not "stupid".

---

At the end of the stories this appears:

You reach to press the button again when a Wessonian Museum security guard rushes your way, tripping over an ottoman in the process. He picks himself up, straightens his uniform and ushers you out, explaining that this room is not open to the general public. You really don't want to bear the brunt (or should that be brant) of a whack from his heavy-looking flashlight, so you should probably leg it. Pronto.

Notes

• The only way to access this non-combat adventure is to drink Sweet lemonade and have the Pretty Much Lost effect. Then adventure anywhere in Paradox and the game will randomly take you to this room.
• At the end of every story, you have a chance to gain a Monoglyph.

Location(s)

• Wessonian Museum Library

Rewards

• Monoglyph

References

• The name of this adventure is a reference to the movie Night At The Museum.
• All mentions of Dominic and Donkey are references to the song, Dominic the Donkey
• The statement of Kenny breaking his arm after Larry gets killed is a play on South Park, where Kenny dies repeatedly.
• "I'm a toy-deliverer, not a doctor!" is a role reversal on the Dr. McCoy saying from Star Trek.