Bear bum bum-battering bat

You don't actually want to think about the original purpose of this... thing. It looks just perfect for hitting stuff really hard – let's leave it at that.

Type: weapon (Melee)
Class: Club
Hands: 2
Attack: 15
Cost of TP on use: N/A
Damage Type: Physical damage
Autosell value: 30

Cannot be be discarded
Can be be autosold
Can be be stored
Can be be traded

Outfit name: N/A

Plural: bear bum bum-battering bats
Bonus: N/A

Obtained From

• The Long Wood
  • Bear bum

When Used In Combat

Successful Attack(s):

• You barbarically bat them in the bum (or bum-equivalent) for X damage.
• You blow, blow, blow him down and gently hear him scream; merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily because of the X damage you just dealt.
• Step one: Hit it! Step two: ???? Step three: Pain! – equivalent to X damage, to be exact!

Missed Attack(s):

• You try to batter your opponent's bum, but he/she just won't be battered like that.
• Step one: Cut a hole in the bat. No wait, that's not right. While you're repairing the hole you just made, you lose your opportunity to hit your opponent.
• While you struggle to lift the bat, your opponents have ample time to move completely out of range.

Fumble Message(s):

• Your heavy bear bum bum battering bat falls out of your weak grip and bruises your toes for X damage.

References

• One of the attack messages is a reference to the song "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
• Step one: Hit it! Step two: ???? Step three: Pain! is a reference to the South Park Underpants Gnomes business plan which is Phase 1: Collect Underpants,Phase 2: ?, Phase 3: Profit!
• The miss message 'You try to batter your opponent's bum, but he/she just won't be battered like that.' is relating to souse battering, or spousal abuse, where the common phrase is "that's harassment and I don't have to take it."
• "Step one: Cut a hole in the bat." is a reference to the SNL sketch Dick in a Box, featuring The Lonely Island and Justin Timberlake.

Collection

LordCretin - 500 | Right2Wrong2000 - 87 | MsFeisty - 85 | McFeisty - 74 | Rapthorne - 67 | Gurps - 60 | underscore - 55 | Arikel - 54 | Seir - 41 | LadyDelilah - 31