User:LordCretin

Cuddling a carrot and happily snoozing in a vegetable patch, a toddler was discovered by a passing group of freak-show acid-head cyber-nun prima-donnas, who kidnapped the infant and stole him away to their mountainous sanctum. Stumbling upon the blindingly intoxicating nature of the child’s sweat, the nuns named him Cretin and incarcerated the little one in a gibbet of steaming giblets overhanging their kitchen cauldron.

One day, a carrot from his old patch was thrown in the bubbling broth. Recognising his old protégé, the carrot erupted in a cacophony of calamitous cries. Frenzied from the violent vocals, the nuns abandoned their daily Liberace Revival Hour. Blind drunk, panicked and disoriented, the lust ridden pianist hags shrieked mangled curses, causing their cloistered halls to crumble to ruins.

A dozen boy scouts, freed from their confinement in the larder, dug through the debris and built a campfire on the drawbridge. They sang sailor songs and tied complicated knots on twigs, while Carrot and Cretin escaped through the forest and reunited with their beloved childhood compost beds. The vegetables of the patch were overjoyed by the return of the carrot and the only human who ever loved them without being freaky or precious about it. They celebrated by providing Carrot with a fabulous new orange jacket and renaming Cretin: LordCretin, Commander of Vegetables.

It was all happy families, until in a post-pubescent exploratory awakening, LordCretin discovered alternative applications for vegetables.