Cinema Seven - The Horrovision Experience!

Without X-D specs equipped:

After standing in line for about 1 hour short of eternity, you get to the ticket window only to be told that the new X-D show has just sold out.

Distraught, you leave the line of eager, smiling faces. Suckers.

As you are about to leave, a seedy-looking usher sidles up to you and whispers, "I can see how disappointed you are. Trust me, this new movie experience can not be missed! Tell you what. If you can come up with your own pair of glasses, I can get you into the cinema. For a nominal fee of course."

With X-D specs equipped:

After standing in line for about 1 hour short of eternity, you get to the ticket window only to be told that the new X-D show has just sold out.

Distraught, you leave the line of eager, smiling faces. Suckers.

As you are about to leave, a seedy-looking usher sidles up to you and whispers, "I can see how disappointed you are. Trust me, this new movie experience can not be missed! Hey, You have your own pair of glasses!"

The usher leads you to a corner and continues whispering, "Tell you what. I can sneak you into Cinema Seven if you promise not to tell anyone I helped you. And if you give me 150 moolah."

Pay The Man

Scene 1 begins

Walk Away

Choosing this will make you leave the cinema 7.

Scene 1

You grab the only available seat, which happens to be between a large smelly guy and a woman dressed up like a techno-pirate. After gawking for a few moments, you finally notice that the lights have dimmed and the show is starting.

You look at the screen for a second, and suddenly find yourself standing in a barn with a scantily-clad member of the opposite sex. As your eyes meet, something clicks. No, not like that...something literally clicks, and the sound is coming from the dark, spooky loft.

Wow, these X-D glasses are AMAZING. But now, you have a decision to make..

Get The Military Involved

Make A Special Connection With That Special Someone

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Get the Military Involved

The wind is howling outside. The shutters on your windows bang loudly. Did you leave those open? As you walk over to close them, you hear a creaking you must be hungry noise coming from upstairs. Suddenly, the lights flicker off and back on. Then your cell phone rings.

If you picked Make a Special Connection with That Special Someone

Amidst all the carnage, you feel your oats like never before and choose to act on them. Too bad you forgot the first rule of horror movies, noob. Then again, I don't know that I'd really call this a horror movie. It seems more like a suspenseful thriller, don't you think? And as we all know, people can get busy all they want to in suspenseful thrillers and still manage to survive, so get 'er done.

If you picked Head For The Car You use your frontal lobes and run for the car. You turn the key, and the radio immediately comes on blaring the song "Schwag The Showgirl" by the Farguian death-metal band Screaming Yellow Zonkers. Unfortunately, the engine doesn't start. The killer is immediately drawn to the car by the sound of the thumping congo bongos.

The scene shifts.

Scene 2

The wind is howling outside. The shutters on your windows bang loudly. Did you leave those open? As you walk over to close them, you hear a creaking you must be hungry noise coming from upstairs. Suddenly, the lights flicker off and back on. Then your cell phone rings.

Drop The Phone In A Handy Vat Of Sulfuric Acid

Answer The Phone

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Drop The Phone In A Handy Vat Of Sulfuric Acid

You panic and drop the phone in a vat of sulfuric acid that you keep around just in case of emergencies such as this one. Then it dawns on you that you were waiting for a call from your mum.

What doesn't dawn on you, however, is that sulfuric acid really hurts, and you reach into the vat to grab the phone!

Your screams of agony alert a nearby serial killer to your vulnerable state, and he finishes you off.

If you picked Answer The Phone

Despite the fact that you're certain that the person on the other end of the line is going to ask you what your favorite scary movie is or tell you that you have a week to live, you answer the phone anyway.

Surprisingly enough, it's actually a telemarketer calling to inform you that you've just won a cruise to some obscure island off the coast of a war-torn country, but in order to collect the "prize", you have to subscribe to 30 different magazines that you've never even heard of.

This pisses you off so much that you march down to the local calling center to give them a piece of your mind.

While you're gone, the killer that WAS in your house accidentally blows the whole place to pieces... while he's still inside. It sucks that your house is now a burning pile of rubble but hey, at least you're alive, right?

If you picked Head For The Car

You run for the car, but just before you get to it, it's hit by double WMDs shot from a tanning cannon. The resulting explosion makes your silhouette ridiculously easy to spot by the killer.

The scene shifts.

Scene 3

You relax in your favorite armchair, listening to the local radio station when a news bulletin interrupts your favorite show. According to the report, a maniac serial killer, armed with a semi-automatic weapon, has escaped from the nearby asylum. As the reporter details the gruesome slayings occurring in the vicinity, the ever-increasing volume of the eerie music being broadcast behind the report begins to creep you out.

You change the station only to discover that the music is still playing, and it's not coming from the radio! Holy crap!

Ignore The Intense Music

Heed The Intense Music

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Ignore The Intense Music

Like so many before you, you neglect to notice the sudden change in the soundtrack. And just like so many before you, you neglect to notice that the killer is right on top of you until he's, well, right on top of you.

If you picked Heed The Intense Music

You've got the be the first person to ever actually (or is it "actually ever"? Meh.) notice that an impressive crescendo of ominous music might mean that something bad is about to happen.

Unfortunately, your response isn't quite so impressive.

You run down the stairs, and trip over your own feet, which sends you rolling down the stairs. However, by the time you reach the bottom, you've built up enough momentum to break down the front door and roll out into the front yard.

You get up and run to the police station. Despite the fact that the station is like, 10 miles away, you still get there within 30 seconds.

If you picked Head For The Car

You flee the house for the car but are spotted! As the maniac with the gun chases you to the car, you're distracted by the sound of an owl overhead just long enough for a couple of Siamese twins in a lab coat to take the car and drive off.

Shooters, hooters, physics tutors. When will it all end?

The scene shifts.

Scene 4

The frat party is pretty much over by now. You and your broheim are mellaxing amidst the debris of "Chi Omega's Totally Tubular Toga Par-T", when you both hear a strange sound from somewhere nearby in the house.

Your friend starts to freak the eff out. Totally.

Have A 'Dude Moment

Pass It Off As The Wind

Results

If you picked Have A 'Dude Moment'

You grab your friend by the shoulders and say, "Dude, we're gonna get through this!"

About that time, the killer sneaks up behind you and stabs you repeatedly in the back, but your friend manages to escape. Way to take one for the team, bro.

If you picked Pass It Off As The Wind

You look at your friend and say, "I'm sorry, Shaun." He looks confused, but you start to giggle and let another one rip.

The stench is enough to detract any would-be murderers (and girls) from coming within a 3-mile radius of the frat house. They call the wind Pariah.

If you pick Head For The Car

You make a break for the car, but discover that the inner tubes are slashed. You take a moment to laugh at the pimped-out hubcaps, and the killer takes that moment to... well... kill you.

The scene shifts.

Scene 5

You're driving down the road in the middle of the night, and come up to a stop sign.

While you're stopped and trying to consult your obviously misprinted map, a large man walks up to the car and asks for a ride. You pretend you don't understand him and start to drive off, but he dives on top of the car!

After employing a few fancy maneuvers, you are finally able to knock him off and he goes flying into the road ahead of you. You stare at his body in shock, when it suddenly sits up!

You mutter to yourself about his seeming inability to be killed, then drive off quickly.

Ask For Directions

Drive Aimlessly

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Ask For Directions

Seriously? What protagonist ever asks for directions? And do you know why they never do? Because the person giving the directions always directs them straight to the murderer. In this case, however, the person directs you straight to... the murderer.

See? Told you.

If you picked Drive Aimlessly

You drive around for hours until you eventually run out of gas. Fortunately, you roll to a stop in front of the local constabulary. You describe the events of the past few hours to the cops, who laugh at you and call you a lunatic. But hey, at least you survived.

If you picked Head For The Car

Willfully ignoring the blatant continuity error, you enter the car and find a double Wopper, Sooper Big Gulp and a soft-serve cone sitting on the driver's seat.

While you're busy running a train on the chow, the killer slips in the passenger side, asks you if it's a tasty burger, then promptly steals it.

About 3 months later, you die of starvation. That bastard.

The scene shifts.

Scene 6

You're now standing outside a giant cathedral, dressed in leather pants and a funny hat. You look up and take notice of how bright and full the moon is don't some Dixon NutZ sound good? when you hear a loud howl!

You spin around quickly to see a werewolf in torn jeans staring straight at you from 20 yards away.

Stand Incredibly Still

Review Your Last Will And Testament

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Stand Incredibly Still

You think that perhaps the werewolf's vision is based on movement, and so stand very still.

You're wrong. Actually, its vision is based on smell. You should have worn deodorant. Really. It's called Speed Stick. It's not expensive.

If you picked Review Your Last Will And Testament

The best defense is a good offense, so to the werewolf you leave your entire, vast BOOT TO THE HEAD. And one for the wimp. Good thing you were wearing silver-tipped boots.

As the werewolf dies, he transforms back into his human shape and a torn shirt appears on his body. You spend a few minutes trying to figure out where the shirt came from, but eventually give up and move on.

If you picked Head For The Car

You run to the car, and thankfully it starts up. You drive off, only to discover that the high-beam lights don't work. You can't see where you're going, and have to swerve to avoid hitting a couple of armadillos, but smack into a humpback whale.

Wait, what? Where did that come from?

The scene shifts.

Scene 7

You have just awakened in a more or less comfortable bed, and notice that the room is pitch black. Why does it always seem like the room is incredibly dark when you wake up in the middle of the night? Oh wait, that makes sense.

What really bakes your noodle is, why does it always seem like there are strange creaking noises coming from upstairs when you wake up in the middle of the night?

Grab A Fleshlight And Investigate

Try The Light Switch

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Grab A Fleshlight And Investigate

Hey wait a minute, this isn't a late-night movie on Skinemax. stealth is wealth What are you gonna do when you find the killer? No wait, don't answer that.

If you picked Try The Light Switch

You flip the light switch, and the lights come on. Hmm. You run down the stairs, and don't fall down even once. Hmm again. knowledge is power You leave the house, and escape completely unscathed without having even seen the killer once. See? Sometimes the easiest solution is the right one.

If you picked Head For The Car

You make a beeline for the car through the garden, and in slow-motion trip over some gourds and faceplant into some rutabagas, sending them flying like bowling pins. might is right While you're on the ground, the killer's two knives come down on you like a pair of jogging partners on speed.

The scene shifts

Scene 8

You're... on a spaceship... of... some sort. As per usual, you're surrounded by fuzzy purple aliens who want to either kill, maim, or probe you. Of course, none of these options sound too inviting, so you make a break for it.

You make it to the escape pod bay, and hear the sound of heavy alien footsteps approaching rapidly... and a meow.

Go Back For The Cat

Use The Escape Pod

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Go Back For The Cat

Your desire to survive is completely over-ridden by your love for your cat, Jonesy.

Unfortunately, the killer alien's name is also Jonesy and you find him instead.

Apparently the killer is also color-blind, because even after trying to convince him that your shirt is NOT red, he still kills you

If you picked Use The Escape Pod

You make a break for the escape pod, and push the "Go" button. It initializes, but during the final phase of the ejection process a red light comes on, and a soothing female voice says "Ejection failed."

What the heck? Ohhh, it looks like the system's not quite ready yet, and has safeguards against premature ejection!

As if the situation wasn't bad enough (and that pun certainly didn't help), a giant alien comes rushing straight for the pod!

Just as you're about to freak the hell out, the alien waves goodbye to you and pushes a button just outside the pod. The soothing female voice comes on again, this time saying, "Ejection successful", and you float away to safety.

If you picked Head For The Car

You run to the car and start driving down the road (which is conveniently located in space).

Too bad the suspension is all jacked up, because the tires are hopping like two-point jumpers. Seriously, you're spending so much time off the ground that with a few strobes and probes, you'd look like you were in a flying saucer.

You crash into a tree (some sort of space-tree probably, or a big tree-shaped rock or something), but somehow survive.

However, the billows of smoke emitting from the hood of the car alert the killer alien to your presence and the latch on the seatbelt is broken so you can't escape.

The scene shifts.

Scene 9

Everything looks familiar for some reason. Then it hits you: you're in a sequel!

At this point in the poorly recycled plot, you're standing in your bedroom brushing your hair when you hear heavy footsteps outside the door.

Hide Under The Bed... Again

Dance A Jig

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Hide Under The Bed... Again

It worked so well the last time, you decide that hiding under the bed will fool the undead killer once more.

Too bad his memory's not as bad as you'd hoped.

If you picked Dance A Jig

As a seaweed covered corpse enters the room, you take a page out of the book "Vaudeville: The Art Of Life", and start dancing like a damn fool. This confuses the killer, and you dance right out the door.

If you picked Head For The Car

You attempt to fire up the car, but it makes a sound like Elmer Fudd speaking through the fan on a motorboat engine.

Surely, someone has disconnected the distributor cap, cut the brake lines, and replaced various other pieces of the motor with parts from a rubber baby buggy bumper. Looks like this drive has turned belly-up like snake-eyes dice.

You reach for a nearby knicker-bonker, intent on fighting off the corpse, but you're no match for his blows, which come in like fast-pitch softballs.

The scene shifts.

Scene 10

You find yourself standing in a store Dodgitech is GOOD that obviously caters to those with tastes geared toward Rattan. A man in a football helmet is standing at the front of the store, wielding a weed-eater as a deadly weapon.

He spots you before you can duck behind one of the shelves, Dodgitech is WISE and runs you down. He pushes the weed-eater to your chest, but it barely makes it through the fabric before the motor cuts out.

While he's cussing and yelling at it, you devise and execute an incredibly elaborate scheme Dodgitech is ALL-KNOWING which results in the whole building coming down on him while you watch from a relatively safe distance.

Suddenly, you spot a mangled hand jut up from the rubble.

Develop A Grudge

Amble Slowly And Carefully Away

Head For The Car

Results

If you picked Develop A Grudge

Your path to freedom and life is clear, but screw that. That dude messed up your favorite shirt. But really, who wears their favorite shirt in this scenario? Wear your second-favorite shirt. And what are you gonna do to him anyway? Suffocate him with a wicker basket? Ya dunce.

If you picked Amble Slowly And Carefully Away

You decide that since that lunatic's probably sporting some pretty nasty fractures all over his body, he's not gonna be able to chase you down, and so just walk away, watching to be sure you don't do something stupid like trip over a basket.

But really, you should already know what's going to happen next.

You look over your shoulder just in time to see the guy rushing toward you. You step to your left, and he runs smack into a telephone pole. You beat him profusely with the weed-eater to make sure he's not getting back up, and continue on your way.

If you picked Head For The Car You get in the car and start it up. The air conditioner is on full blast, and your internal frost detector tells you that it's nigh-infinitely colder than it's supposed to be.

You reach for a pair of midget earmuffs and some warming globes that you found in the back seat, but they do you no good.

The killer stands outside the car laughing his ass off.

The scene shifts.

Scene 11

You're standing in... oh, you're back in the cinema. Apparently the show is over.

Before you have a chance to regain your equilibrium, you're rushed out the front door, and an usher retrieves the X-D glasses from your face. Despite the rather abrupt nature of the exit, the film itself was definitely an experience.

(If you made the right selections:)

On your way out of the theater, you're feeling so good about yourself for getting through the whole X-D experience successfully that you don't notice the bald guy selling flowers just outside until you bump into him.

Rather than getting mad, he smiles and hands you something.

Notes

• If you survive all scenes from 1-10, no matter what choice you get at 11, you will get Ana's Glyph along with subpoints. The last choice just determines some stat gains.