Barroom Blitz

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Description

A Paracite (that would be you) walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Aren't you a piece of string?"

Yeah, you know where this is going.

Having heard more than your fair share of punch lines lately, you quickly line up a punch of your own, smack the bartender in the face, grab what you can, and leg it. Sweet.

Location(s)

• Downtown

Rewards

• You gain 1 Tiny bottle of vodka XX%
• You gain 1 Tiny bottle of tequila XX%
• You gain 1 tiny bottle of rum XX%
• You gain 1 tiny bottle of gin XX%
• You gain ?1-3? tiny bottle of bourbon XX%
• You gain 1 tiny bottle of scotch XX%

Notes

The punchline can be one of:

• Aren't you a piece of string?
• Hey, do you know you've got a carrot in your ear?
• Why the long face?
• These two peanuts came in yesterday.
• We don't get many gorillas around here.
• Hey, we've got a drink named after you!
• Are you Vincent Van Gogh?
• Hey buddy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants!
• So there was this polar.... bear in here last week.
• Boy, I wish I could do that.
• Big John's coming to town!
• How did you get that peg leg?

References

• Name of location is a play on the song title "Ballroom Blitz" by Sweet. (who is mentioned in the last world of dialogue)

• The punchlines refer to the following jokes (click to expand or collapse):

• A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says 'We don't serve strings in this bar' and kicks the string out.

The string gets angry, but gets an idea. He unravels his ends, ties himself into a knot, and rolls around in the dirt.

The string walks back into the bar and says 'Hey, bartender, give me a beer!'

The bartender says 'Aren't you that piece of string I just kicked out of here?'

And the string says 'Nope, I'm a frayed not!'

• A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Hey, do you know you've got a carrot in your ear?'

The guy says 'What?'

bartender: 'I said, do you know you've got a carrot in your ear?'

guy: 'WHAT?'

bartender: 'I SAID, DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT A CARROT IN YOUR EAR?'

guy: 'I can't hear you, I've got a carrot in my ear.'

• A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says 'Why the long face?'

• Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

• A gorilla walks into a bar. The bartender thinks 'Huh, a gorilla?'

The gorilla takes a seat and says 'Hello bartender. I'd like a margarita please.'

Surprised, the bartender thinks 'This gorilla seems pretty smart.' He mixes up a margarita, serves it to the gorilla and says 'That'll be 18 dollars'

The gorilla says 'ok' and hands the bartender a $20 bill.

The bartender thinks 'I wonder how smart this gorilla is. I'll give him incorrect change and see what he does.'

The bartender gives the gorilla $1 in change, and the gorilla says 'Excuse me, but I gave you $20, so I should get $2 in change.'

The bartender apologizes and gives the gorilla the other dollar.

The bartender thinks 'This gorilla really is pretty smart' and says "You know, we don't get many gorillas around here.'

And the gorilla says 'Yeah, well, at $18 for a margarita, I'm not surprised.'

• A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says 'Hey, we've got a drink named after you!'

And the grasshopper says 'Really? You've got a drink named Steve?'

• A Dutch fellow walks into a bar and orders a beer. A few minutes later, the bartender says 'Hey, aren't you Vincent van Gogh?'

The Dutchman says 'Yes, I am.'

The bartender says 'I'm a big fan! Would you like a drink on the house?'

And Vincent van Gogh says 'No thanks, I've got one 'ere.'

• A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says 'Hey buddy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants!'

The pirate says 'Arr, I know. It's driving me nuts!'

• A polar bear walks into a bar and says 'I'd like a gin and........tonic, please.'

The bartender says 'Sure, but why the big pause?'

'Um, I'm a polar bear.'

• A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog in the corner licking his own testicles. The guy says 'Boy, I wish i could do that.'

The bartender says 'Go ahead, he seems friendly enough.'

• A pirate walks into a bar. He has a pegleg, a hook hand, and an eyepatch.

After he orders his drink, the bartender asks "So, how did you get the pegleg?'

Pirate: 'We were in a storm, and I was swept out to sea. As me mates were pulling me back aboard, a shark bit me leg off.'

Bartender" 'Wow. And how did you lose your hand?'

Pirate: 'Arr, we were attacked by an enemy ship and one of the scurvy scallywags cut me hand off with his cutlass.'

Bartender: 'And how about the eyepatch?'

Pirate: 'I was in the crow's nest as a lookout and a seagull pooped in me eye.'

Bartender: 'What? How did you lose an eye to seagull poop?'

Pirate: 'Well, twas me first day with the new hook.'