Tutorial Quest

Your questing starts at the Noobology Department of the Paradox University.

When available:

Under New Tasks: There is a new task available! You should go to Paradox University's Noobology Department for more information.

When in progress:

Under Current Tasks: You're currently working through some game basics with Professor B. Ginner von Noob. You should probably head to the Noobology Department at Paradox University in town for more information.

When completed:

Under Completed Tasks: You have successfully completed all tasks required of you by Professor B. Ginner von Noob.

Quest Text

1st Visit

After consulting a fairly complicated map, asking 7 different people for directions, and getting yourself lost 3 times, you finally discover a plain looking door with "Department of Cultural Sciences" printed on it.

You notice that the words "Cultural Sciences" have been crossed out and "Noobology" written underneath in purple magic marker. This should be interesting.

You knock politely on the door (manners always were your strong point) and wait. And wait. And wait. You get tired of waiting and open the door.

The room appears to be quite cluttered, and it takes a while for you to notice that part of the clutter is in fact a fairly strange looking, dishevelled old guy, sitting at a desk in amongst an unstable-looking stack of papers and beaming at you. Creepy.

"Ahhhhh, hello there young... person! My name is Professor B. Ginner von Noob. Welcome to the Department of Noobology!"

"As you can no doubt tell from this shiny plaque on my desk, I'm the head of this Department!" says the Professor, proudly.

"It's my job to make sure that noobs like you know how things work around here. At least, enough so that they don't get hurt... much."

"I have a few things to tell you, and then some tasks to complete."

"By paying attention to me, and completing the tasks I give you, you should be able to learn everything you'll need to make your way around and achieve your goals within the Paradox world."

"Sound exciting, doesn't it?"

- Sure, why not? Keep talking.

"Let's start at the beginning."

"Paradox City is a small, medium to large city, located near the Northeastern Midwest coast of Paraphernalia, the second third-largest country on the planet. We have a population of approximately sev... um, well close to fort.. or rather just over six... well, it's quite a lot, and the citizens are known collectively as 'Paracites'."

"It's not a bad sort of a place, but like all small, medium to large cities, we have our problems and issues, which I won't bore you with right now."

"Instead, I'm going to bore you with something quite different."

You locate a chair under a pile of papers, dump the papers on top of another pile on the floor, and sink into the chair. Looks like this could take a while.

"While you're here in Paradox City, you will have the opportunity to take part in a number of activities, including buying and selling things, collecting other things, and beating the heck out of yet another bunch of things."

"Additionally, as well, also, from time to time you'll be given a number of tasks which, when complete, will open up new and exciting areas of the city for you to adventure in, and different things to buy, sell, collect and de-heck."

"Is this making sense so far?"

- Sort of. Keep talking.

"Right, now that's out of the way, let's talk about how the window is laid out."

You look around the room, but you can't seem to see any windows. Or the floor, or much of the walls for that matter. You obviously have a puzzled look on your face, but before you can turn that puzzled look into a silly comment, the Professor continues.

"At the top of the screen is a list of the various locations you can visit. You should realise that by no means is this a comprehensive list of all the locations, but you can get everywhere you need to go through one of the locations in the list. This list is often referred to as the 'Navigation Pane' or 'Navpane'."

"To your left you will see the 'Character Pane' or 'Charpane'."

You look to your left, and are somewhat surprised to see a list of what appear to be random words and numbers with some pretty pictures here and there, and your name at the top.

"The Character Pane will show you a lot of information about your current status, but rather than me telling you all about it, perhaps reading this brochure will help."

The professor opens one of about 14 drawers in his desk, produces a somewhat tatty brochure entitled "The Charpane and You", and hands it to you to read.

You acquire an item: "The Charpane and You" brochure

"OK, you go and read that and come back and see me when you're ready to continue."

- I already know all about that, let's just keep going.

2nd Visit

"Each day, you will receive 50 'Turns' or 'Adventures' that you can use in any way you see fit, and you can get additional turns by eating and drinking (among other things). More on that later."

"When your day's turns have been used up, you will have to wait until midnight Paradox Standard Time to receive any more."

"You may have noticed while you've been looking around (and if you haven't yet, you soon will) that some locations you go to have a number shown in parentheses after the location name, like this: 'Insert Location Name Here (1)'"

"Whenever you see this, the number represents how many turns it will take for you to visit that location."

"Usually, that means you will get something in return, such as stat points or items."

"Be careful though! Each location is different, and you may have trouble in some areas if you don't have the right stats or equipment!"

"For this reason, it's extremely important to keep an eye on your stats. In particular, watch your 'Health Points' or 'HP' stats and make sure these don't get down to zero! If your HP stats are getting low, you should go take a rest in your house before adventuring any more or find some other way to restore them.

- Yup, gotcha. Next please?

"Well done for sticking with me to this point!"

"As a reward for your patience I'm going to give you an extra twenty turns for today!"

You gain 20 turns!

"Very shortly I'll be getting you to do something other than just sit and listen so bear with me."

- Can we do the next bit now?

"I'm quite sure that by now, you're getting quite anxious to stop listening to my waffle and get on with doing stuff so I won't keep you long, but it's very important that I at least briefly talk to you about the equipment you're going to need to get on with things."

"Broadly speaking there are three kinds of equipment you can wear - clothes, weapons and accessories."

"Each type of equipment does different things."

"For example, clothes will usually help to protect you from physical and/or elemental damage, while weapons will improve your ability to inflict damage on others, and trust me, you'll need that from time to time."

"Accessories, and in fact all items, can do many different things, from improving your stats and resistance to different types of damage, to giving you extra adventures or even making things cheaper."

"To manage your equipment, go to the 'Equipment' section of your Inventory."

"You can put things on, take things off, and even save your outfits for future use."

- Yeah, that makes sense. Go on.

"You'll be able to explore the different types of equipment as you go, but for the time being let's just talk about clothes."

"Specifically, the fact that you aren't wearing any pants should be a major concern to you. It certainly is to me!"

"Here's the bit where you get to do something!"

"There's an enormous, somewhat cluttered closet just along the hallway where you should be able to find the clothes you need. It should be marked on your map."

"Go and hunt around in there until you find a pair of pants and a pair of shoes, then come back and see me."

- I've already got those items.

3rd Visit

"Excellent! You found both the items!"

"Now, you need to put them on! You can do this in the Equipment section of your inventory."

"Remember, that was a pair of pants and a pair of shoes. Oh, and not just any shoes and pants, you need to have the right ones!"

4th Visit

"Hey, nice work. You found both items, and you managed to put them on. Good job!"

"You probably don't need to know anything else about equipment then."

- You're absolutely right! Move along.

"As a reward for your hard work, here's a new shirt to go with your pants and shoes!"

"It's not much, but better than nothing. Slightly."

You acquire an item: blue t-shirt

"Next you'll be learning about food and drink. Come back and see me when you're ready."

- I'm ready! Let's just keep going.

"Well, hello again username!"

"Remember I mentioned earlier that you will get 50 Turns every day?"

"There are ways you can increase that number of turns and get some extra stats at the same time."

The Professor sits and looks at you, obviously waiting for something.

"Er... how?" you ask, hoping that's the right thing to say.

"I'm glad you asked!" says the Professor, "You can get more turns and stats by eating and drinking the food and drink you can find in various locations."

"As you eat and drink, your stomach and bladder will fill up. Once they're full you won't be able to eat and drink any more until tomorrow."

"Different food and drink items have different levels of 'fullness' and 'bladderness' (yes, I know that's not a real word) respectively, and corresponding turn and stat gains, and needless to say, some items are MUCH better than others."

- Sounds reasonable, keep going.

"So, where do you get food and drinks then?" you ask.

"Another good question!" replies the Professor.

"Food and drink can be obtained from a number of different locations, either by buying them, or as rewards from fights, or you can simply find things lying around."

"Some food and drink items are fairly boring on their own, but you can combine them together to make more interesting items. More on that later."

"For now though, what I need you to do is to go to the Cafeteria, also located in Paradox University, and hunt around until you find a couple of things - a sesame-seed bun and a probably-meat patty."

"Come back and see me when you've got them."

- Ha! I already have those! Keep going.

5th Visit

"Excellent! You found the items you need! Well done!"

"You could eat them as they are, but you'll get better returns from combining them together into something else first."

"So are you ready to find out how?"

- I've never been readier! By which I mean yes.

"OK, combining stuff together is really easy."

"Take a look in your inventory for something called 'Combine Stuff'."

"Once you're there, you should see a list of the ingredients you have."

"Just select the ingredients you want to combine - in this case the sesame-seed bun and probably-meat patty - and click 'Combine'"

"If you do it right, you should make yourself a tasty probably-meat burger."

"Come back and see me again once you've made it. Don't eat it though, I need to see proof!"

or by not clicking the link and skipping ahead (from the previous screen) to combine the items

"Oh I see! Think you're clever do you? Since you have a probably-meatburger in your backpack already, you obviously don't need me to tell you how to make one. And you probably don't need the five free burgers I was going to give you as a reward either!"

"From now on let's stick to the script, shall we?"

- You bastard! I mean, OK.

Subsequently, this skips the first part of the 6th visit.

6th Visit

"Ohhh, very well done!"

"Here, just let me quickly run that burger through my quintuplicator..."

The professor takes the probably-meat burger from you and puts it into an odd-looking contraption sitting on a shelf behind him.

The machine makes some alarming whirring, grinding and clanking noises, then goes "DING!".

The professor removes your original burger, plus 5 identical copies, which he hands back to you.

You acquire: 5 probably-meatburgers

"You can eat those burgers any time you like now, for which you'll receive 4 more turns, 3 of each stat and 2 fullness from each."

"Remember, different food and drink has different effects, which you'll become familiar with over time."

- That's kinda cool. What's next?

"OK username, we're getting there."

"Now it's time to learn something that's going to be REALLY important, and that's how to fight!"

"It's obvious that you're normally a very peaceful, friendly person, but there are some nasty elements around here and learning to fight might just save your life!"

"That and you can steal their stuff, which is also a little bit cool."

"When you're ready let's keep going."

- I'm ready now, old man.

"Fortunately, Paradox University has a special environment set up for you to practice different kinds of fighting."

"You can still be hurt fighting there, but probably not as badly as you would be if you went out into the big wide world."

"To begin with, since you probably don't yet have a weapon, you'll need to practice some unarmed combat."

"If you DO have a weapon equipped, you'll need to unequip it, and then head on over to the University's Gymnasium to do some fighting."

"Each time you win a fight you'll gain some stat points and maybe an item or two."

"Keep fighting until you get a stick and a sheet of foam padding, then bring them back to me."

"Oh and don't forget to keep an eye on your health! If it starts getting low, you should go to your room and rest for a turn or two, or find an item that can help you."

7th Visit

"Ahh yes, you're doing very well!"

"Now that you've had a bit of practice fighting without a weapon, it's time to learn how to fight WITH a weapon."

"That stick you have is a weapon, but it's too dangerous to use in the gym. Go and combine the stick with the sheet of foam rubber, and come back to me with the item you get from doing that."

8th Visit

"Terrific! Go and equip that padded stick and then come back here."

9th Visit

"OK, you're all set. Here's what you need to do:"

"Go back to the Gymnasium with the padded stick and fight."

"Each time you win a fight, you'll be given a small lapel pin."

"Collect 10 of those (that's right, you need to win 10 fights) and then bring them back to me."

"Good luck!"

10th Visit

"Well I don't know about you, but all that stick-work has tired me out!"

"But hey, you got the job done, and that's fantastic!"

"You can go fight some more if you like, but there's still more I need to tell you. Come back and see me when you're ready!"

- Nah, that's fine. Just keep talking.

"Well we're just about done here. There are only a couple more things I need to tell you."

"Before we finish, I'd like to talk to you about a little something called 'Moolah'."

"Moolah is the currency used in Paradox City, and you can exchange Moolah for various goods and services around the city."

"You've probably already noticed, but as you adventure you can sometimes find Moolah lying around, or you can get Moolah from fighting opponents or completing tasks."

"Heck! Sometimes people even just GIVE it to you. Like this."

You gain 500 Moolah!

- Gotcha! And then...?

"Another way you can get Moolah is by selling the stuff you find. If you don't want it, that is."

"To sell your stuff, go to the 'Sell Stuff' section of your Inventory, select the stuff you want to sell, and click 'Sell'."

"You can try that now if you like, or just keep going. I promise, we're almost done."

- That's cool, keep going.

"There are other ways to get Moolah, including trading with other citizens, but you'll find out more about that later."

"And what can you DO with all that lovely, lovely Moolah? Well, spend it of course!"

"If you haven't done so already, you should probably check out 'The Moolah Rouge Mall' in town. It's a small mall, but growing, and you can buy a lot of useful stuff there."

"You can even buy stuff that you can use to make other stuff with!"

"If you're looking for something to do after that, I recommend spending some time in Charlie Gardens Memorial Park. It's quite nice there this time of year."

- Is there anything else?

"By now, you should have a pretty good idea of the basics, so I think we're pretty well done."

"As a reward for your patience, and to show your dedication, here's a 'Certificate of Denoobification', which will be automatically displayed in your player profile for all to see!"

I Am So Smrt

"And, well, that's it from me. For now, at least. Good luck username!"

Visits Afterwards

You have successfully completed all tasks required of you by Professor B. Ginner von Noob.

Simplified List Of Tasks

1st Visit

• Read "The Charpane and You" brochure

2nd Visit

• Adventure in The Cluttered Closet until you get comfy tracky-dacks and cheap flip-flops.

3rd Visit

• Equip the comfy tracky-dacks and cheap flip-flops.

4th Visit

• Adventure in The Cafeteria until you you get a probably-meat patty and a sesame-seed bun.

5th Visit

• Combine the probably-meat patty with the sesame-seed bun to make a probably-meatburger.

6th Visit

• Adventure in the Gymnasium until you get a stick and a sheet of foam padding.

7th Visit

• Combine the stick and the sheet of foam padding to make a padded stick.

8th Visit

• Equip the padded stick

9th Visit

• Adventure in the Gymnasium until you get 10 Stickmastery Stickpin's.

10th Visit

• Get Certificate of Denoobification.

Rewards For Quest Completion

• "The Charpane and You" brochure.
• 20 turns.
• blue t-shirt.
• 5 probably-meatburgers.
• 500 Moolah.
• Certificate of Denoobification.

Visiting The First Time After A Reset

After consulting a fairly complicated map, asking 7 different people for directions, and getting yourself lost 3 times, you finally discover a plain looking door with "Department of Cultural Sciences" printed on it.

You notice that the words "Cultural Sciences" have been crossed out and "Noobology" written underneath in purple magic marker. This should be interesting.

You knock politely on the door (manners always were your strong point) and wait. And wait. And wait. You get tired of waiting and open the door.

The room appears to be quite cluttered, and it takes a while for you to notice that part of the clutter is in fact a fairly strange looking, dishevelled old guy, sitting at a desk in amongst an unstable-looking stack of papers and beaming at you. Creepy.

"Ahhhhh, hello there young... person! My name is Professor B. Ginner von Noob. Welcome to the Department of Noobology!"

"Ah! Welcome back, <PLAYERNAME>!" exclaims the Professor, "It's good to see you again!"

"Back? Wait, what..."

"If you remember," he continues, "the last time you were here, I asked you to undertake a series of simple, and somewhat boring, tasks to help you familiarise yourself with... well, with things."

"Ummm, well, I'm not really..."

"Good, good. Well, you should be pretty familiar with everything now, so I don't think there's any need for that. How about I just give you some stuff and send you on your way?"

"..."

"Excellent, here you are then. Good luck!"

Before you have a chance to ask any questions, the Professor has handed you a number of items and bundled you out the door, closing it firmly behind you.

Great. Looks like you're on your own!

• You acquire an item: blue t-shirt.
• You acquire 5 probably-meatburgers.
• You acquire 5 Boo-boo B-Gone strips.
• You acquire 2 blobs of replacement snot.
• You gain 500 moolah.